When writing memoir, your job is manyfold: you must craft a compelling narrative that not only encapsulates the essence of your real-life experiences but that also navigates the ethical considerations that come with sharing personal stories. The balance of maintaining your story’s integrity while also caring for the privacy of those who are part of it is not for the skittish. That said, if you feel called to write your memoir, it will be one of the most exciting and cathartic things you ever do.
When you set out to write a book, you get to choose what kind of book it will be. A novel can range from 0-100% on the truth meter and no one is the wiser. (Or at least they shouldn’t care as much about it aligning with real life since all stories stem from some modicum of truth).
Once you’re reading a novel, it is typically less about picking out what elements “actually happened” and far more about sinking into the world of the story. That step of remove from reality is one of the magical things about a novel and its strength as a work of art.
A memoir’s strength is precisely that it doesn’t have that step of remove, making it as close to a real-life conversation as you can get without chatting with someone over a cup of tea. The point of writing memoir is you get to tell your story as close to as it happened. You also get to do so as yourself and in your voice. This conversational element makes it a truly intimate storytelling mode and a highly popular one because of that genuine connection fostered with your reader.
The more honest you are in a memoir, the more credible you seem. Your readers will also empathize with you, trust you, and lean in to gain the ultimate meaning and message from all you lived and why you’ve chosen to share it.
Sounds too good to be true? Think about the last few memoirs you read. Don’t you feel like you know the authors? (Of course you do, which is the whole point!).
Being honest doesn’t mean you have to share every detail of your life. Instead, it involves presenting the experiences and emotions you curate for the book authentically, even when they’re uncomfortable or unflattering. This vulnerability is what taps into your readers’ human experience. It becomes the beautiful bridge between two strangers and why memoir continues to be such a popular genre.
Honesty also involves acknowledging the limitations of memory and perception. It’s okay to admit when you’re unsure about certain details or to present multiple perspectives on events. In fact, this is what can save you in your effort to balance honesty with privacy, both yours and your characters‘.
When you embark on writing memoir, you want to think about your story being like a bowling lane. Stay in it unflinchingly, and the work will be challenging but extremely rewarding. Veer into the gutter, which takes the focus off you and puts it on others, and you lose the core of what your goal of writing memoir was to begin with: to tell your story and invite readers into your experience on an intimate level.
Not only does going into the gutter give your power away and dilute your story’s purpose, it’s also legally dangerous. When you put other people into the primary position in your story, your truth has consequence: you risk stepping into libel because of potentially infringing on their privacy, which can land you and your book in hot water.
Look: many things can happen during the writing of a book. You’ll veer off course, go off-roading, fall of cliffs, and grope in the dark. Writing a book will do that to anyone. That’s why it’s important for you to look up from the writing here and there to make sure you’re staying in your lane.
That’s not to say others won’t come into your lane—they have in your life and they will in the writing, and for better and for worse, you are the sum of your experiences and relationships—but the primary focus must remain on you and your journey to maintain the correct balance between honesty and privacy.
If you find yourself in the gutter more than you know you should be, it may be time to check in with yourself as to why you’re writing memoir at all: Why am I telling this story? What’s my goal?
If it’s to share your own experiences to gain clarity, foster connection, and understand you and your world better, then you can safely carry on and know you can tidy up your draft later. Clearly you needed to explore some of the relationships that have informed you throughout your life’s journey, and in the end, that time in the gutter will make your memoir far richer.
However, if you answer that you want to show people what someone did to you, how another person transgressed or changed your life, or illustrate how others are responsible for some aspect of your life, it may be time for a heart-to-heart with yourself.
Ultimately, while you have every right to write about your own life, you do not have that same right to write about someone else, and the result for pursuing a gutter-centric story could be legal problems.
Even when you do maintain a careful balance and focus on you and your story, other people will inevitably factor in. As you write, you will need to be aware of potential legal issues such as libel and invasion of privacy. These concerns can arise when you write about real people and events, even if you speak to facts or tell what you know to be true.
“Libel” refers to publishing false statements or subjective statements that cannot be verified or proven that damage someone’s reputation. Some examples may include referring to someone as “cheap” or “violent,” subjective adjectives that paint the subject in a negative or damning light. Writing something untrue about someone is also libel.
Privacy concerns can emerge when you disclose personal information about others without their consent such as medical information, their financial situation, or other details that they would not feel comfortable or safe having available to the public.
The following steps will go a long way toward ensuring you don’t run into any issues and enjoy a long healthy future as a published memoir author.
· For every person who appears in your work that isn’t you, change all identifying characteristics. If they can see themselves in any of your “characters,” you haven’t been thorough. Name and gender if possible; hair and eye color; weight and height; ethnic background and living situation, profession; etc. are basic swaps. If the character is a spouse or family member, there’s only so much changing you can do, but do as much as you can to protect their identity.
· Use a disclaimer at the front of the book. Borrow from a few memoirs and make your own or use our article on how to write a memoir disclaimer. A disclaimer won’t prevent someone from taking legal action, but it is good practice nonetheless and can help.
· Operate from empathy. Where you could showcase how angry someone was and skew the language to show them in an unflattering light, try taking a step back and writing from an understanding of why or what made them were angry, which may open you up to showing their hurt, fear, or loss. Same situation, different way to paint it. Not only will you have much more opportunity to plumb them and their relationship to you in a new light on the page, you will open a door toward feeling differently about them in real life and even repair a fracture between you or invite a healthy conversation.
· Ensure that your statements about others are factual and can be substantiated. If you’re unsure about certain details, do some research or even ask the individual to help you fact-check. But again don’t share private things that could be problematic were they made public (political affiliation or views, financial situation, personal relationship status, health, etc.)
· Show the manuscript to the people involved to get their feedback
· Get signed consent forms
· Have the manuscript vetted by a lawyer
All of this will help prevent a defamation suit (which is the claim that what you’ve written is untrue and shared with malice, as in the case of Augusten Burroughs’ memoir about his family Running with Scissors), but libel and invasion of privacy could still be on the table if you’ve not taken enough care.
Your memoir—to be an accurate story—may need to be written in a way that could be legally problematic. Tales of childhood abuse, sexual misconduct, a difficult workplace situation, etc. as the hinge for writing memoir can only be skewed so much.
In such a case, it may be easiest to use a pseudonym or write the book (and sell it) as autofiction or fiction. Turning the work into fiction gives you carte blanche to write it however you darn well want- and whether the story is true or not, as long as you obscure identifying characteristics, no one will be the wiser.
Even after performing all manner of due diligence to avoid the legal concerns of libel and invasion of privacy, your memoir can come with personal and professional risks.
Not everyone in your life who is featured in your book will enjoy being thrust into the spotlight. Some may be flattered and proud (and proud of you). Others may feel “the ick” of having your relationship laid bare for everyone to see.
Are you willing to lose friends or family members for your book? Sometimes the revelations that you run into during the writing, setting the record straight, and owning your story are more important than worrying over relationships that were fragile or unhealthy to begin with.
Or if you would rather not confront that situation, you may wish to wait to publish your book until those parties are deceased, write your work as fiction, or own your truth and write your book with as much love and acceptance as possible. You can let the people in it know your goal was not to harm but to explore your life for your own clarity and hope for the best.
Professional risks can arise if your memoir contains information that could impact your career or reputation. Consider how your disclosures might be perceived by current or future employers, colleagues, or clients. People talk, particularly within industries, and it’s important you look ahead to imagine how your book could impact you.
In the end, if you feel the urge to write your memoir, something inside you is yearning to get out for a reason. You know all about how powerful the genre is having read your share, and you know that your story is important and meaningful.
The work involved in writing memoir or any creative nonfiction is extensive, but with an all-in-one program like our Write Your Memoir in 4 Months Program, which gives you all the tools, guidance, and mentorship you need to get through that vital first draft; a careful and seasoned writing coach; fellow writers also writing books; or generous friends to lean on, you will make it through.
Any time you feel unsure about how you’ve handled someone in your book or the logistical issues of navigating creating a compelling story while remaining true to the facts, reach out to us or someone in your circle for a dose of inspiration, motivation, or a kind kick in the rear and get back to it.
You should tell your story, and as long as you do so with heart and generosity of spirit, you’ll stay safe from legal harm and go on to great success.
Going from idea to a fully realized story in your first draft is the most difficult part of writing memoir.
Our Write Your Memoir in 4 Months Program gives you everything you need: tools, insights, craft, structural guidance, accountability, and a seasoned mentor throughout to ensure you successfully tell your story.
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